Being a mom for the first time is one of those rare, blessed events that will forever change you—but just because it’s bound to be one of the greatest moments in your life doesn’t mean it’s going to be the easiest (or even come naturally).

As I became a mother, I realized that it is not for a fainted heart. Especially when you are in early 20’s, first time mom in the midst of a global pandemic where, medical attention is nearly inaccessible, no one is available as soon as possible since town over town are having their own restrictions or lockdowns and people, who you expect to be available are not advised to go near coz they may bring the virus. The bleak situation makes you feel you are on your own to take care of your well-being while taking responsibility to your newborn child.

I honestly do have an awesome and fruitful experience taking care a newborn to a toddler to a child, since I am the eldest child from the nine children of our family. In our culture, if you were the first born, you are obliged to take responsibility to take care of your siblings and learn household chores. I watched mother as we grow how she did everything (on her own) take note, no panicking episodes. So with that in mind, I promised to be like her when I became a mum to my own children.

The problem is, this is my first time to conceive, to give birth and to breastfeed, so I wish I could know the things before they happen at hand, I mean who doesn’t want any good for his/her child right? I eventually tried to explore the internet and each experience is so different as each child is so unique, that even a list that long wouldn’t cover it all.

1. PREGNANCY

I learned that I was pregnant way back October last year. It was not a happy “OMG! I’m a new-mum-to-be” moment of my life because I was clueless. I even overthinked I might have CoVid because I remember being very sick that time. I didn’t have a fever or body aches but I did have an LBM, upset stomach, blasting headache and retched out my guts every time I eat anything, even WATER! And that is EVERYDAY for one or two weeks. The whole process made me look like a living skeleton. I even cried while my husband’s at work thinking ‘this is it’, I’m gonna die because of dehydration. LOL.

My husband (who was my boyfriend, we’re not married yet) and I went to doctor, twice (we sought 2nd opinion coz I’m getting worse). Their diagnosis were “acid reflux”, they provided prescriptions which my husband refused to buy coz he has a suspicion that maybe I am pregnant. But if you were sick I’m sure you will not be sitting there enduring the whole pain, you’re willing to do and take any thing that would make you feel better. We tried organic medications, safe for pregnant women medicines, and took pregnancy test later on (which are all negative) and still I’m sick. There’s other thing that made the situation worse, I didn’t know how to count my menstruation period. I didn’t even know when was the last time I got a period. One thing is certain, I have a regular flow. That’s it but it doesn’t help at all.

One early morning, I asked my husband to get me cucumber. I want it yellow-green in color, peeled and it should be arranged to a plate accordingly with some salt on the side. That was my meal from morning till dawn. The next day, I craved for citrus nobilis (sinturis, dalanghita) with a salt on it. And there was the miracle, I did not vomit a single drop. That’s when we decided to take the third test for pregnancy before I admit myself to emergency room (just in case) and there you have it, positive.

2. Things May Not Go to Plan

This can be a pretty soul-crushing realization for new moms. I spend all this time preparing, but as soon as my little one arrives everything goes right out the window. For me, I have a tendency to be a little obsessive (read: borderline crazy. I don’t even sleep!). When my son was born, I equipped our room with his recommended weekly feeding and sleeping schedule—complete with clipboard and check boxes! Needless to say, we didn’t even make it through a single day. My son arrived and had his own ideas of what life would be like…for all of us.

That being said, feeling prepared helped me calm my nerves, so I keep doing what I’m doing. Sometimes, the wheels fall off the train (and they usually do), I just go easy on myself. I remember blaming myself three days after I gave birth (I was caesarean) that I will never have big family coz I did not take care of myself, which is bad and so distracting. Certainly, just because I plan for my delivery to go a certain way, doesn’t necessarily guarantee it will. I had one obstetrician share with me that more than 80% of deliveries do not align with the intended birth plan. I learned not to beat myself up. I love this little human so much and want to do everything perfect for him… with a reminder that just because things aren’t going to plan, doesn’t mean I’m not doing a good job.

3. Breastfeeding is Hard

You’re going to hear a lot about the importance of breastfeeding—and you maybe be surprised at how passionate some people can be. While I had always planned to breastfeed my son, I wasn’t one of those diehard advocates. If it didn’t work for us, we’d switch to formula. My plan was to breastfeed for six months, and, when possible, begin to pump and freeze enough so that he’d be on breast milk his first year. I was able to feed him for 50 days, I even invested a pump and foods that’ll help me produce more milk. There’s no problem with the milk supply, we had conflict on my inverted nipple and my son already gave up on it. LOL. After two and a half months, I was done and absolutely devastated—and the pump ended up buried in stock box. I don’t even remember where’d I put that.

No one knows your journey, so no one should be passing judgment. If breastfeeding isn’t the best option for your family, that’s totally okay. You can still be a wonderful parent and have a happy, healthy baby if you choose to formula feed. And if you do decide to breastfeed, that’s great too and a wonderful way to bond with baby, but go easy on yourself. It’s often a bumpy start and for some moms can take real work. In the end, just do what you feel is best—and don’t let anyone make you feel bad about it.

There’s nothing quite as exhausting, or terrifying, as brand-new motherhood. Is your baby breathing right at night? Are they getting enough food? Will the circles under your eyes ever go away?

4. The Relationship will be Tested

For those of you fortunate enough to begin this journey with a dutiful partner by your side, it’s important to know that you may grow to temporarily dislike that person. Don’t freak out…it’s totally normal. My husband is the most supportive, compassionate partner I could have asked for, but I couldn’t help but hate him. I was at home all day with a small human attached to my boob and he had returned to work (with the ability to walk to play mobile games or to check Facebook in silence). I started to resent the freedom he had to return to his life. And when he was selfish enough to confront me because I’m too awful towards him, I actually threw a pillow at him.

The good news is that when your new life begins to find its rhythm, things between you and your partner will smooth out. Starting a family is the most extraordinary experience you could ever share with someone, so there are bound to be ups and downs. I remember watching my husband rock back and forth for three hours with our baby boy sleeping across his chest and thinking, “I’ve never loved him more.” Later that same week I told him I couldn’t stand him because there wasn’t a shawarma in the box he brought me. (I still think that was a huge oversight on his part.) 

5. Give Yourself Six Months (timeline i saw on the internet for you to get back in the game)

After your baby is born, do not expect to snap right back into your pre-pregnancy brain—or clothes! For most women, it takes about six months for your body and hormones to begin to normalize. We live in a culture where women are expected to wiggle into their skinny jeans before leaving the hospital, but that’s absurd. Certainly there are those rare few for whom the weight just falls off, but for 99.9% of us, it’ll take some time.

To be honest, the great weight struggle is just one of the many things new moms are going to experience. After you deliver, whether naturally or via C-section, you’re going to need time to recover. It’s mother nature’s biggest prank: just when you need rest and sleep the most, your baby will pretty much prevent you from getting either. For the first few weeks, your hormones do a complete nosedive. Just accept now that you’ll spend hours sobbing irrationally and be forced to wear Titanic-sized sanitary pads. The silver lining is that it’s all temporary. You’ll get back to being your old self soon enough.

6. Stop Comparing

Yourself. Your partner. Your baby. Stop.

Many roads lead to Rome, so don’t expect your journey to be identical to anyone else’s. If your little human isn’t crawling the exact week that Your Baby’s First Year Week by Week tells you he or she should be, it’s totally fine. There’s nothing wrong with your baby, and there’s nothing wrong with your parenting. Those guidelines are just that…guides. Don’t be shackled to them. And on that note, do not look over the fence into someone else’s yard. Just because your BFF’s husband is home every night for bath time, doesn’t mean your partner has dropped the ball. The grass isn’t always greener and no situation is perfect. Not even for Beyoncé.

Above all, the only thing I can tell a new parent with absolute certainty is… this too shall pass. In the beginning, everything is a phase or a stage, and those things that keep you up at night now will become second nature in time or no longer be an issue.